Miscarriage/Infant Loss

Can I bury my baby after a miscarriage?
Absolutely.  Burial of a miscarried child, as a sign of faith in the resurrection, a recognition of the child’s important place in the family, and a corporal work of mercy, is encouraged where the child’s remains are available.  A number of burial options exist in the archdiocese, whether the pregnancy is lost at an early stage or at a later term.  

 For additional information about burial locations, costs and other inquiries, please contact the staff of the Pro-Life Activities Office with the Archdiocese at 713.440.3443 or [email protected].  We are happy to suggest resources based on your location and preferences.  

Can I bury my child’s remains on my property?
The Catholic Church has a strong preference for burial in consecrated ground, i.e., ground that has been blessed by a diocesan bishop or priest who has offered prayers for the protection and resurrection of those buried there.  Burial in an established cemetery also ensures respectful treatment of the person’s remains in the long-term.  Additionally, based on property location, burial of human remains on private property can come with various legal restrictions or requirements.

 Many parents may desire to bury the child at home out of a desire to have the child close to them.  In other cases, parents may be concerned about potential costs of a cemetery burial.  Cost-effective options for the burial of a child do exist in the archdiocese and our staff is available to help your family locate the best options for you.  

Will I need to work with a funeral home to bury my child after miscarriage?
It depends.  Some cemeteries will work directly with the family in arranging a burial after miscarriage, while others do require families to consult with a funeral director.  Families may find it helpful to communicate with a funeral home to be aware of all options for interment.  The Pro-Life Office is available to connect your family with helpful resources.

We buried our baby on our property and didn’t know a cemetery burial was possible. What can we do?
It is not unusual for a family to be unfamiliar with the option of cemetery burial for a miscarried child and initially opt to bury the child on their property.  In most cases, the child’s remains can be transferred to an alternative burial location at a Catholic cemetery.  We are happy to help your family locate alternative arrangements.

If I miscarry at home, what should I do with the child’s remains?
Parents frequently inquire about the most respectful way to treat their child’s remains when a miscarriage occurs at home.  Some parents may opt to use a toilet collection pan during this process (available at most drugstores).  If the child’s remains are apparent, parents may collect the child in a small container.  Many also recommend placing the child in a saline solution (also available at drugstores).  Pending burial arrangements, the remains can be stored in a cool, dry place.  For most families, this will mean initially keeping the remains in a refrigerated space.   

 While this option may initially seem strange or even disrespectful, maintaining the child in a refrigerated location pending burial is not dissimilar to the practice used by commercial funeral homes and can provide parents with adequate time to make burial and other funeral arrangements for their child.  

What if I can’t discern my child’s remains?
When a miscarriage occurs early in pregnancy, it is common that the child’s remains cannot be readily discerned from other blood and tissue passed during the miscarriage.  In such a case, it is not necessary for parents to collect all tissue passed by the mother (although they may opt to do so).  Please be reassured that, if you cannot discern your child’s remains or do not have anything to bury, you have not done anything wrong or in any way failed to honor your child.  Inability to discern remains is very common with early miscarriage.   

My doctor said I need a D&C or induction of labor after my miscarriage. Aren’t these abortion procedures?
It is true that D&C (dilation and curettage) or early induction of labor can be used as abortion procedures when performed on living children.  However, both procedures can also be used to complete the miscarriage process following a fetal demise (death of the unborn child in the womb).   In some cases, uterine contractions don’t begin spontaneously following a fetal death and medical intervention is necessary to avoid maternal complications.  

In the case where the child has already died, both procedures are morally acceptable to assist in completing the miscarriage process and do not constitute an abortion.  Parents who have concerns about a particular procedure should ask questions of their medical team such as “is it certain there’s no longer a heartbeat?” or “is it certain the baby has already died?”, if they have concerns about the recommended procedure.

My doctor has scheduled me for a D&C following my miscarriage. Can I request my child’s remains from the hospital?
Yes.  Under Texas law, parents have the right to request their child’s remains from the hospital or clinic for burial.  Typically, this request must come from the parents, rather than another family member or family friend.  It is recommended that this request be made in writing prior to performing the procedure to provide peace of mind to the parents.  

My baby died before baptism was possible.  Can we still have a funeral?
With most pregnancy losses, there is not an opportunity to baptize the child.  Nonetheless, the Church does offer funeral rites and other prayer services to memorialize the child and offer prayers for the child and family.  The Roman Missal contains a Mass for a Child who Died before Baptism that can serve as an appropriate funeral rite, if desired.  Other parents may prefer a graveside service, or some combination of the two.  The decision of how best to memorialize the child is very personal and is best left up to the parents.

Since my child died without baptism, will they go to heaven?
In the past, some Catholics supported the idea of “limbo”, a location, separate from heaven, for the souls of those who died without baptism.  Although this was never a formal teaching of the Church, some Catholics still hold to this idea, which can be very upsetting for parents.  

Instead, parents should look to how the Catechism of the Catholic Church addresses the question of children who have died without baptism (cf. CCC 1261). There, the Church speaks of the great mercy of God and Jesus’ particular tenderness towards children which allows us to hope in their salvation. This hope is not a mere “wish” but rather the theological virtue of hope which allows us to trust in God’s own promises and mercy. Parents can be reassured that God’s grace is not bound by the sacraments, and thus God can extend His great mercy as He chooses to all, even those who died before birth. This allows us to entrust miscarried children confidently to the mercy of God and to believe that they now share in the Communion of Saints in Heaven.  

What are appropriate ways to memorialize my child?   
How best to memorialize a child lost during pregnancy is a very individual and personal decision for parents.  Included are a few suggestions that some families have found helpful.
 
Some parents elect to purchase a religious item for their home or garden as a way of remembering the child.  Other parents may opt to keep ultrasound photos of the child with pictures of other children or family members as a means of remembrance.
 
While the decision of how and when to tell other children about a pregnancy loss will be very age- and case-specific, many children will appreciate knowing they have a sibling to intercede for them and with whom they can speak.  Many parents and siblings find comfort in speaking to the child and in asking for the child’s intercession, as may be done with any other saint in heaven.  
 
Particularly with a loss early in pregnancy, parents may not have selected the child’s name, or the sex may be unknown at the time of loss.  Even in this case, many parents find great comfort in choosing a name for their child after miscarriage as it allows them to participate in this important parental role.  Naming can also increase the sense of bonding with the child.

We are feeling sad, isolated, and misunderstood. Where can we find emotional and spiritual support?
Parents will experience many emotions following a pregnancy loss.  In addition to expected emotions like sadness, anger or helplessness, many parents feel isolated from family or friends, who may not know how to respond to their grief.  In other cases, couples struggle to understand the reaction of their spouse to the loss, further leading to feelings of isolation.  

The Office of Pro-Life Activities offers regular small group sessions through the St. Catherine’s Circle ministry.  These two-month support groups provide an opportunity for mothers and fathers to receive spiritual, emotional and practical support, while connecting with other parents with similar experiences.  Those interested in joining an upcoming group can contact the Pro-Life Office directly or locate the dates of the next group on the Archdiocesan website.

Some families may prefer individual or couples support in the form of counseling, spiritual direction or peer support.  The Pro-Life Office maintains a list of resources for families seeking this type of pastoral support.  

My family and friends know about my pregnancy loss but aren’t saying anything/are avoiding me. Do they not care?  
When encountering a grieving person, many people are concerned about saying the wrong thing.  Not wanting to say something hurtful, many wait for the grieving person to bring up the topic which, to the parents, can feel like indifference or unconcern and lead to greater feelings of isolation.  
 
In many cases, grieving parents may overcome this issue by being very direct with those close to them about what they need and what would be helpful to them, practically, spiritually and emotionally.  If a mother wishes to talk about her lost child, she should be encouraged to let friends and family know this would be helpful for her.  If a father doesn’t want to answer questions, he should be encouraged to let others know it’s not a good time to discuss the topic.   
 
While everyone is different, most people want to offer their support to the parents but are very unsure how to do so.  The parents’ ability to be open about their needs can be helpful in navigating these uncertainties and most friends and family will be grateful for guidance on how best to offer support.

My friend recently experienced pregnancy loss, and I don’t know what to say. What should I do? 
Realistically, there is nothing to say that will “make it better” or significantly help in the moment.  “I’m so sorry”, “I’m thinking about you”, “I’m praying for you”, or “can I stop by with a meal?” are all helpful.  Most parents feel some sense of isolation after a pregnancy loss and simply being an accompanying presence – while not trying to fix the situation or offer advice – can be very comforting.  
 
Many friends and family are concerned about bringing up a loss out of fear of reminding the parents of painful memories.  In reality, parents don’t forget their lost children and often appreciate that their child is remembered and discussed as an important part of the family.  Even if it’s been a while, know that it’s not too late to reach out to a friend, ask how they are, and let them know you were thinking about them and their child. ​