DUMALET: Walking with couples through infertility, grief

Amanda Sixsmith/UnsplashRecently, a friend recounted an experience from her marriage preparation class: “My husband and I were asked”, she noted, “how many children each of us wanted. We both readily responded, ‘However many God wants to give us.’ It didn’t occur to us then that the number God had in mind might be zero.’”  

My friend’s experience isn’t rare. As humans, we are formed to participate in God’s creation through fruitfulness and expect this participation to happen without question. When that participation, due to infertility or pregnancy loss, does not occur, the grief can be overwhelming and may, in turn, cause couples to question their place in God’s plan or even His love for them.

Feelings of isolation are also common. Couples experiencing infertility and loss may avoid friends and family during another’s pregnancy or distance themselves from a peer group where most other couples have young children. At other times, friends and family themselves withdraw, not knowing how best to support the couple, or are uncomfortable with their grief.

Even the parish community, with its frequent emphasis on activities for families with children, can feel alienating for some. “Marriage is supposed to be fruitful”, a couple may think. “If God isn’t calling us to be parents, maybe we’re less of a family.” Such couples may feel relegated to the margins at their parish, unable to find a place to fit in. My friend, for example, attends her parish’s 7 a.m. Mass on Mother’s Day, to avoid the celebrations and recognition that she deeply values but in which she can’t share.  

An appropriate pastoral response to these couples is crucial, yet conversations surrounding pregnancy loss and infertility are still infrequent. With few models of how best to respond and deeply concerned about saying the wrong thing, many of us default to saying nothing, avoiding the topic altogether or waiting for the grieving person to bring it up. In other cases, we may err on the side of attempting to fix the problem. This may take the (well-intended, but hurtful) form of giving unsolicited medical advice or offering platitudes like “you can always try again” or “God doesn’t give you things you can’t handle.”

Of course, there is no quick fix to grief. There is only proper accompaniment and a Church community willing to ensure that everyone has a place. In Fratelli Tutti, Pope Francis reminds us, “No one can face life in isolation. We need a community that supports and helps us, in which we can help one another to keep looking ahead.”

As the community to those who are grieving, friends and family shouldn’t be afraid to bring up the topic of grief or loss. Many worry that mentioning grief will be hurtful to parents and so avoid discussing it. Yet many parents report wanting to talk about their lost children and being pleased when others remember them.

Allow couples space to talk and offer to listen. Don’t worry that you don’t have something perfect to say. There isn’t anything perfect. “I’m so sorry,” “I’m here to listen” or “I’m praying for you” are all wonderful. Your willingness to sit with someone in silence is in itself meaningful.

For parents and couples in a season of loss or infertility, be assured that you are called in a special way to fruitfulness and participation here and now. In this season of waiting, God has a special mission for you. Certainly, it may not be the mission you felt called to, and there is grief in that. Discerning that mission may be difficult. But that good and fruitful mission is waiting for you, and God has called you by name.  

If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, contact the Office of Pro-Life Activities at 713-440-3443 to learn more about how we can support you.

Julie Fritsch Dumalet is the director of the Office of Pro-Life Activities.