KERLIN: Walking with grief during the holidays

(Laura Fuhrman/Unsplash)Loving people in our lives deeply has good news and bad news. The good news is that it is profoundly beautiful, a glimpse of heaven, to love another person. The bad news is that when a person we love deeply dies, it hurts our hearts.

Grief is relative to the attachment we have to the person or thing that we lose. Big love, big loss. It’s not that we would change the depth of our love, but loss is difficult. We can celebrate the life of the person we love and hold space for grieving that they are no longer on this side of life, present to us in the way that has been familiar. 

During this time of year, when the sights and sounds of festive holidays spring up all around us and music proclaims that it is the “Most Wonderful Time of Year,” it can be especially hard to be grieving.  

If this is your first Christmas without your loved one, it is understandably difficult to navigate it in a new way.  I remember crying all through midnight Mass the first Christmas without my beloved grandmother and finding the comfort of a sister in Christ who was unknown to me, who offered me a hug. Some people feel comfort in maintaining the traditions they’ve always had, and others feel a need to do something entirely different since things are not the same now.

If this is an anniversary of a loss, it can also be a very challenging time.  We have a beloved family member who died on Christmas Eve, so this season is always imbued with memories of him. The sights and sounds, smells and traditions of this season can bring up lots of memories and feelings.  

Remembering our loved ones with rituals can help us grieve and heal:

1. Make a memory box or altar and fill it with pictures, objects and special symbols.
2. Release butterflies or doves.
3. Write a letter about the special events you remember sharing or what you would like your loved one to know about your life now.
4. Visit the cemetery or burial site.
5. Look through photos, scrapbooks and movies of your loved one.
6. Revisit favorite places, listen to a favorite song.
7. Light a special candle in honor of your loved one.
8. Have a special worship service or celebration.
9. Plant a tree or garden in your loved one’s honor.
10. Ask friends or family members to send you a favorite story or memory of your loved one.

If you are grieving during the holidays, give yourself space to feel your way through your memories and feelings and whatever comes up inside you. Allow yourself extra time between events and carve out time for quiet. Give yourself permission to change your mind if you begin something or attend an event and then find that it is too uncomfortable or painful to be there. You get to take care of yourself and learn what you need as you go along.

And remember — we carry them with us, now and forever, because love is infinite.  

Kristine Kerlin is the director of the Office of Aging Ministry.